Good bye

Good byes.

They’re hard, they hurt, they heal.

Good day to you, fellow military members.

Good byes are an inevitable part of our day, week and our year. We say good bye to our children at the school gate, praying their first day in the new school will go well and they will make friends.

We say good bye to our parents with the car packed high with our life, and head to a new part of the country or world to support our serving military member.

We say good bye to our spouse, heading to a faraway land we don’t want to imagine, living in an array of conditions with limited communication.

When we say goodbye, we can give an air of confidence. A knowing that we will meet again and see one another again. As if saying goodbye for the 100^th time means it’s easy this time. I have got this.

But why do we have to ‘get this?’

Goodbyes don’t have to get easier.

Goodbyes don’t always have to be hard either.

Goodbyes are unique and every situation is different from the last, meaning some cause you to melt down and cry. While another goodbye catches you turning can and walking confidently in a different direction. These are all okay.

The last time my spouse deployed, I asked him to tuck and roll. The drive to base felt like an eternity, knowing we had to stand with everyone else and say that last good bye, give that last kiss in the sea of faces feeling overwhelming emotions was not something I wanted to do. I didn’t want to share, I didn’t want to be with anyone else, I didn’t want to say goodbye. I wanted that bit over, so I could start to look forward to the hello again.

We know that all the wishes in the world and hopes and positivity don’t guarantee our children will make friends and not be bullied at school. We can wish our aging parents every health and well-being, but one day there will be no hello that follows that goodbye. We send them with love and hold them in our hearts, the rest is up to them.

We are allowed to be worried about the person away from us. To me when you are the person leaving, it’s easier. You have to keep busy… discovering new things, setting new routines. You are in a place where the one you miss, has never been so you don’t look around the room and see things that remind them of you in quite the same way. If there is danger you are facing, you can see it, smell it and work out what to do.

If you are the one who said good bye and stayed home, your imagination is your friend or foe and in those dark nights you can feel go to places you should never go in your head.

Give yourself permission

Give yourself permission to feel any emotion you need to when you say goodbye. Maybe save those emotions for a safe place, but you have to let them out. You will feel better.

You might feel loss and fear. The status quo has shifted and fear of the unknown is real.

You might feel hope for a time that you have a moment to tackle a personal goal

You might feel relief. Relief that the person is living out a dream and this day has finally come. No more planning and wondering, you are living it.

You might feel joy. A good bye can mark the beginning of a new chapter.

You might feel a soup of emotions and want to cry and laugh.

You might feel nothing. Frozen in a state of numbness. This is okay too.

The key thing is that your emotions are valid. Feel them. Show your children it’s okay to cry. Show them it’s okay not to be okay, and talk to them about how you feel. They might tell you how they feel. This builds resilience. This builds emotional vocabulary that is lacking in our young military members.

Talk to other military spouses, they will understand. Talk to a therapist, or a social worker, or a member of the family support unit in the place you are stationed. There are people available who can listen.

Talk to your children

You can tell them how you feel, why you feel that way and what you will do to feel a little bit better.

Ask them how they feel.

If children don’t have the word’s you can give them to them. E.g. ‘You don’t want to eat your dinner.  You seem quiet and sad.’

Always pause – there might be something your child fills the void with, if not you can tell them how you feel or ask them if there is anything they want to talk about.

You can talk about facts, things that are tangible for them to build on. E.g. ‘we did a difficult thing today, we said goodbye to your… friend… today. I felt sad saying good bye to my friend. I am going to miss laughing with my friend. How about you?’

Pause.

Maybe we could write a letter / text / email. Maybe we could find a time to face time? What would make you feel a little bit better in this moment?

Self Care

Find a time you can do something for you. Just for you.

Walk, have a bath, read a story, go for a walk, watch your favourite film.

Take a moment. Just – for – you.

Avoid the guilt

When people leave, or we leave, we might promise to keep in touch. I know I work hard to keep in touch with people and in the early days, often I can. But then weeks will pass, sometimes months and I haven’t had a minute to be in touch. Then I remember, they have not had a minute to be in touch with me, so I don’t feel so guilty.

My rule of thumb is that if I would meet them up for a coffee, they can stay on my facebook page. I do love writing, so I try and write letters, or at least write them a Christmas card. As we move, these communication methods might change, or stop. It is not because I no longer care, or they no longer care about me, it is just that we have both moved on.

That is okay. It is okay to lose touch.

In this military world, your paths might cross again and then you will pick up right where you left off. Some will have been in your life for that chapter and will remain a memory to treasure.

Whoever we are saying goodbye to, we do so with love. I read this ‘I wish you enough’ this morning, and I felt that this is definitely what I wish to everyone who I have said goodbye to, and will again in the future.

And dear reader – I wish you enough.

Until we meet again, I wish you enough.

Nicola

I wish you enough

By ‘Bob Perks’

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive

I wish you enough pain so the smallest joys in life appear much bigger

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess

I wish you enough ‘’hellos’’ to get you through the final ‘good-bye.’